Dating Communication – Crisis Ahead Sign
Relationship communication can be the source of much confusion, especially early on in a relationship. Do you let him know how you feel and how long should you wait to do this if you haven’t known him long? My own opinion is that you must communicate your needs and wishes in a relationship. How else are you going to get your needs met and ensure that you both share the same values and want the same things? However, there are some provisos to this. Read on to find out more.
Slowly Slowly Catchy Monkey
When you meet a guy, it can quickly seem like he’s “the one”. You’ve had a few dates, everything is light-hearted and he seems really into you. He may be saying all the right things and you think that he is hooked. You may feel sure that he feels the same way as you. But stop right there! Danger now lurks. If you start acting like you’re in a relationship before he is ready, things are likely to cool off. But sooner or later that nagging voice in your head is going to start and you are going to want to know where you stand. How long will you put off asking the question? Or will your curiosity just keep expanding until it bursts out of you in a fit of emotion? How cool will you be able to stay under the pressure? It is important to take dating slowly – it doesn’t pay to rush into a relationship and this tends to scare men off. Take your time to get to know him and don’t allow yourself to get carried away with your emotions.
The Dreaded Withdrawal Response – Don’t Panic!
The thing is this. Men are generally simple creatures and if you ask them an honest question, you will generally get an honest response. Of course, there are always the exceptions to this and you must look out for any signs. However, you may not get your answer straight away. Men don’t always have the answers to our questions rolling off the tip of their tongues. So if you ask, you may find yourself faced with the withdrawal response – the period of time where he disappears to consider what you said and how he feels. Most men don’t want to hurt you. A withdrawal response may indicate that he’s not comfortable with what you said, or that he wants to avoid a full confrontation or in-depth discussion. Or simply that he needs space to consider his response. In his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” John Gray used the analogy of a man going into his cave. Again patience is called for. Don’t panic and don’t follow him in to his cave. Trust that you will get your answer when he is ready. No answer probably means that he’s not man-enough for you.
Some Things to Beware
Now, there are certain things that women do – it seems these actions are instinctive in us – that seem certain to put men off. I have covered these extensively in my dating success guide. These include asking where the relationship is going or acting like you are in a relationship before he is ready and bringing up certain topics early on which are likely to send him running a mile. These can include letting him know that your body clock is ticking and you desperately need to have kids; Or that you don’t cope well on your own and you basically need looking after (or financing). Anything which shows him that you are desperate for a relationship, or obligates him before he is ready is likely to send him running, however much he fancies you. You will need to hold back a little longer before bringing up such subjects.
What is He Looking For?
Another thing about men is that they don’t always commit quickly to relationships. Some of them may not even be looking for a relationship, although they may not tell you this unless you ask. Often a man may not be looking for a relationship outright, but then he meets that special woman who convinces him that he does want to be with her. Again this is something that you might need to bring up at some stage but you will need to consider your timing.
Oh, the Dilemma!
So, you can now see the conflict clearly. The very things that you want to know from your man are the very things that are going to send him running back to his cave… if he is not ready to hear them. No wonder it’s so confusing. We need answers to our nagging doubts but we are scared to broach these ultra-important subjects. So here’s the thing… you need to balance your timing of asking these questions and you need to choose your approach. And you need to be prepared for the possibility that he may not even be interested in a relationship… either with you… or at all.
Give It Time
So firstly, you have to give him some time to get to know you. If he hasn’t had the time to see some of your good qualities, enjoy your company and become just a little hooked on you, then no matter how wonderful the sex or the times spent with you are, he’s going to run a mile when you suggest a relationship. (This is one reason not to sleep with him too early because it gives you a bargaining tool when you want to know where you stand.) On the other hand you don’t want to waste too much time or wait too long for a man who is not showing as much interest as you would like, or the man who may not be interested in a relationship.
If you are honest, you can generally get a feel for how interested a man is in you. If your relationship leaves you feeling agitated, then you may be making some of the typical dating mistakes (covered in depth in my dating success guide) or you may be dating a man who is just not looking for a relationship. You can find out how he feels by holding back and not continually chasing him. If he keeps coming back for more over a period of time, and he is still saying all the right things; if the relationship appears to be moving forward, then you can have just a little certainty that he is into you. That should give you the confidence to communicate some of your wants and needs and find out if he feels the same. On the other hand, if you allow yourself to do all the running in the relationship then you will never find out whether he is truly interested in you and you will leave yourself vulnerable to his disappearing act when he feels saturated with your attentions.
The Right Approach
When you have decided that the time is right to ask, then you also have to take the right approach. You have to be mature and have realistic expectations regarding his response. You show your maturity when you don’t lose your cool and you let him know that, whatever his answer, you will cope (like Jennifer Aniston when she attempts to win over her man at the end of the film “Rumour Has It”). Of course, you become vulnerable when you ask such questions, but this can be an attractive trait to a man when you drop your defences, provided that he feels safe enough to give you his answer without feeling in danger of verbal attack or other negative or overly-emotional reactions. Don’t forget that he may not know how he feels straight away especially if this wasn’t something he was expecting.
Awaiting His Response
Once you have asked the question, the cat is out of the bag! You need to be prepared for whatever response he gives, even if that is no response. No response equals the withdrawal response and that is when you need to call on all of your patience and self-respect to get you through. It is a definite “No-no” to follow a man into his cave and keep pestering him for answers to your questions. That is being needy. You now need to trust that when he has them he will let you know. In the meantime, you stay strong and get on with your own life.
The Positive Response
If you can do this, then the chances are that – if he has got to know you, and if he is just a little hooked – sooner or later he will be back with the answer you want. You have shown him that you are patient and mature enough to cope with whatever he decides and that makes you a more attractive prospect than the many women he will have met previously who go blindly chasing a man for the answers that they want until they chase him away. Lots of brownie points for you!
The Negative Response – Do You Need to Let Him Go?
Of course, you may not get the answer that you want and, if this is the case, you need to accept this. If he doesn’t come back, don’t chase him. He’s not the one for you. Don’t go into denial when he says that he doesn’t want a relationship or kids and don’t think that you can change his mind in time. Don’t waste your time! Accept his answer and deal with it even if it means letting him go. If what you want is important enough to you, and if he doesn’t want the same, unfortunately it makes you incompatible as a couple and you must move on to find what you are looking for. Tough I know but for the best in the long run. Some relationships are meant to be and some very definitely are not. So don’t cling on to something that will never work out.
Finding Mr Right
Remember that dating is part of the selection process. You are the one doing the selecting. He is not “selected” until you know that he meets your requirements for a relationship, whatever you have decided that they may be, and he is showing you that he wants a relationship with you. You therefore have to keep just a little part of yourself back until everything comes together – and this will give you the strength to get through and move on if it doesn’t all go quite as you would like. Only by remembering that you have to let some men go will you be able to find the man who is right for you. I wish you luck in finding your own Mr Right.